Monday, April 20, 2015

I owe it to ya.

So, two years, Luc. I mean there's about three ways I could go about this.

1. Talk about how much the past two years have sucked without you. Without us- The Lucys- corrupting each other's lives in New York. The "poor me" story. How much it sucks to be at a bar without you, getting free drinks or sometimes (as we age it's getting harder, my friend) sitting at the bar with zero prospects approaching. How much it sucks to come home from a bad day to a male roommate who has covered the coffee table with natty light, hot sauce and chicken Mcnuggs paired with sour patch kids and whole milk. How much it sucks to lay in my own bed, watching Breakfast at Tiffs with a bottle of wine...alone on a Friday. (By the way- new movie obsession Vicky Cristina Barcelona- has replaced Breakfast at Tiff's)

2. Talk about you in that hospital bed- nearly lifeless. Me on that f%*king miserable teal blue recliner staring at you -- waiting for you to wake up. I almost mailed you an alarm clock for the two year anniversary engraved "You woke up betch" -- but honestly I'm so stressed/busy with work and failed as a friend and sent you nothing. But know, I wanted to and probably will in like a month.
Okay, anyways- I prayed every gawd damn day you would open your eyes and smack the shit out of me. (You have done this now times a MILLION). You have defeated me again on the workout strategy. How do you seriously run 5k and workout daily with a Traumatic Brain Injury- you're seriously a machine. The video your mom made on YouTube sums up exactly what I could put into words in my "point two":

3. I could talk about current life now. Coping has zero strategy, methodology or concrete plan to get  from point A to B. I am going to say the things that I shouldn't right now. They are in my head though so I wonder if they are in the heads of others coping. As you know my coping mechanisms are poor. Usually it's endless vodka/wine (sometimes both at the same time) and to never speak of it/ acknowledge its existence. Seriously, sometimes I wonder if I should be checked in somewhere because I feel like my head is spinning and everyone is staring. So...
---Are you happy? Are you happy with now and do you still "dream big'?
---Am I selfish? Sometimes I don't think about you or I forget to call you on an important date because I've moved on (for the day/or consumed in the day). And by moved on- I simply forget.
---Will it ever really be the same? Recently I've prepared myself to accept that it might not be 100%. I am sometimes ignorant to the time that passes. I come home and think miraculously everything will be the same again to sometimes see that not much change has occurred. Or maybe I am just not around enough anymore to pick up on the smaller revelations. (I still have this hammering belief that it will be 100%- it just gets lost sometimes)
---Do you really care to have a recap of what's happening?
---Will we ever talk about the juicy details of dating? I share mine- but will you?
---What annoys you?
---What makes you happy now?
---What can I do to make it better?
---What do you think when you see me? How do you feel about our current friendship? Am I being a good friend?

I'd like to believe when this is all said and done- you would prefer to be that carefree Luc. Just floating free as a feather. We started this blog to document the realness of life- and to be honest about it. We have matured, yes--maybe. But our soul and spirit still/will remain young. So I've decided to say ""F$@k you accident"- it doesn't control our life now or the future. We are the Lucys now, we were two years ago and will continue to be in the future. It's about creating normalcy.

Your Caringbridge was updated here;
I got the text from your mom about the 6 month independent program and had zero hesitation. Obviously, and rightfully so- your parents have more hesitations- as expected. I would like to see nothing more than you building your independence again (under the right circumstances which I know your mom will spend hours researching). I heard Omaha is an option. Where is Omaha? I understand their hesitation. I am certain you can survive in a corn field though.

So I am changing the blog back to where we started. This blog will no longer talk about how hard life is and how much it sucks at times. It will however  revert to living in the moment, embracing life - now -  and future moments in life in New York. I ask you to unsubscribe NOW if you can't handle anything above PG13. I ask you to subscribe NOW if you want to continue to read life as a single, 28 year old living in New York city running a successful company with a best friend miles apart- who I believe - would rather know the details of my dating life, her current drought -- and how to enjoy life in the eyes of me. It's not for everyone. Ten years down the line- I hope to read the blog on our stoop while our husbands are snoring on the couch annoying the shit out of us -- as we whistle at the young lads passing.  Laughing about the dumb things we did rather than the heartbreak we go/went through.

So "enter your email now!" on the top right side of this blog. It will become private to subscribers later this week.

luC (still lost in the city)

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

That Lucy life, though.


I've been laying in bed for the past hour tossing and turning. I don't know what woke me up ( I sleep good these days- it's been months since I popped a Xanax or Melatonin) -- but I am up. My thoughts led me to thinking about you- which led to a Facebook message -- which made me open up the blog. I still really miss you. As I logged in tonight, our password instantly reminded me of our first adventure here. There is really something about this city. Our first year (so perfectly planned) was quite simply free -- our second year -- not at all what we planned. I find myself in this third year, rebuilt and happy. The battle of "should I move home now?" has faded and I am just living in the moment. My career is falling into place, my social life is back to normal and my dating life- well I try my best.

There is still something missing. It hits me less but when it hits- it sucks. I went to a piano bar this past weekend and watched two new-to-the-city friends dance carelessly on the dance floor. It reminded me of us. We could really tear up a dance floor. We could really enjoy a night. It's strange looking back at all of the people I have might over the past two years -- they don't know you. That's so weird. How is that possible? There are at least 10 guys in the past two years that don't know you, that don't know the Lucys. Mainly due to my 3 month relationship attention span -- but the point is -- how could they not know you. I'm not exactly sure how "Can't wait for you to meet my friend Luc - she's a TBI recovering badass, who will really want to steal your drink -- but has been advised my the doctors not to drink -- and she will surely say something inappropriate (just so you know it's always appropriate to me) and most likely advise me to get rid of you" sounds?

The where are you from question is always followed by when did you move here. My response usually is "I moved here with my best friend -- she moved back to St. Louis and now I live with (sigh) Ryan". Oh how that answer has changed. It was always our favorite question to answer. Usually interrupting each other, finishing each others sentences -- and sometimes visuals. I miss Derrick.

AND TWO YEARS- wow! April 19th- the worst day ever- is right around the corner. You're fucking killing it. I love when we talk and you just laugh and say "i love you" -- every time I drop my favorite word. The best is when I call you and we both have a face mask or zit cream on. We always are looking at ourselves in the phone admiring our new wrinkles. This is our now. Now is a lot better than a year ago. I can't wait to see what "now" is in two more years. I'll be thirty- you know I have some SERIOUS goal/life plans for 30. The good news is -- recently your doc told your mom that by age 30 you would be living "a very normal life".

He's so dumb.

We don't live a normal life -- we live the Lucy life. So I'll wait for you. At 31/30 we will be living a very famously fabulous life, most likely starting in Italy.  Followed by Mont St Michael- France, Corsica, Koyasan-Japan, Haid Gwaii, Bali, Camino-de-Santiago, Hyderbad-India,  Mornington Peninsula, everywhere Australia and sail off on the Tigris in the Gal├ípagos Islands. Don't worry- I started an excel sheet.

I hope this photo makes you laugh as hard as it made me. So chic. 

Love you, mean it.


Thursday, December 25, 2014

Less about the presents, more about the miracles


Merry Christmas! This year you got me a chic little bag (which I love) but what I love more is the packaging. You even knew to capitalize the "C" for me.

You are making real progress. We bicker just like the 'ol days and you even compliment (point out that I am going 70 in a 55) my driving. You also call me a "dumbass" when I pop the hood instead of releasing the parking break... You are communicating more instead of saying "I don't know" that's for sure!  I was trying to park at the mall and someone was taking forever backing out on the right side. I saw something open up on the other side. You replied, "Good call on the left side". We went shopping and I was dead middle in line at Starbucks. You saw the Coach store and jolted off. I was hesitant to stay in line but you appeared to be on a mission. I watched you as you walked into Coach by yourself and didn't take my eyes off that door until you walked out. You ran into a friend when you left and stood there catching up for a few minutes. When you came back over you had the biggest smile on your face. I asked you who it was and you spelled out "A-N-N-I-E". I told your mom the story and the next day she sent me a screenshot of a post on your Facebook wall. It was Abby. I mean, only you would make it more complex and attempt to spell a name rather than say it. Never taking the easy road...

Speaking of a road less travelled - December 28th never looses sentiment. I can't believe it's been three years in New York. It feels like 10 and a second home. Today, I reread our post about our move to New York. Day 3 is my favorite read. Our new home and where the adventure began! []. I so clearly remember blowing up that bed and laughing until we cried.  We thought we were really living the dream- and we were. I remember being pissed that the broker made us take the subway instead of paying for our cab. I remember meeting Safeet, sneaking (breaking) into the dental office next door and stealing toothpaste and toilet paper. I remember sitting marveling out our window with that "luxurious view of the skyline" (Midtown Tunnel). I'm ready to do it again, Luc. This time we can afford a moving company, 2 bedroom apartment (with beds) and maybe even a mini bar... until then Merry Christmas!


Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Blog to Remember

Well Luc,

This is right after I tackled hugged you in the bed (where you were napping!)

Photos are said to capture the moments in life. The photo above definitely captured that second of pure happiness. You haven't forgotten to smile/pose at the camera. That "memory" portion I guess is still there.

We were thrilled (as always) to see each other this trip. I tackled you in the bed and you popped right up to wheel your bags out of the hotel room and out to the streets of New York. I ubered a car, something we couldn't quite afford when we lived together. This infuriated you. You tried to hail every cab in passing and used many choice words while doing so. After 10 minutes, I cancelled the uber and we were on our way down Park Avenue in that beauty of a yellow cab. We had our moments. It brought pure joy to see you smile at the buildings and marvel at the city on our drive downtown. You stopped me multiple times to say, "I just don't know." I explained how we moved here together and then we had more moments. This much needed joint breakdown was abruptly interrupted by sirens, honking and more choice words. Welcome home, Luc.

We arrived at my apartment and I told you, "I live here!" The look and excitement on your face was priceless. You congratulated me multiple times and then I lugged your TWO large suitcases up the stairs. (The things I do for you ;) I was anxious to show you the city so we tossed the bags and off we went. Early dinner at The Jane and a nice stroll around Washington Sq park. With all the travel- Vivian was needed. We ended our night out with 16handles. I pulled the trigger for the froyo for you. This resulted in chocolate all down your wrist and a good laugh. We returned home where you met my roommate, Ryan. You were in shock. I stressed multiple times, "this is my roommate NOT my boyfriend."

Popcorn. Conversation. Breakfast at Tiffany's. I've been waiting for 1 year and 6 months for this time. I talked a lot and you listened. It was a very hard reality to face when you mainly listened. It makes me value the quiet times more. When we are both silent and just walking next to each other- it's like nothing has changed. Our conversations need work. It's extremely heartbreaking but just our reality. Looking back at old photos of your journey help me see your amazing progress. I'll keep looking ahead-you keep kicking ass. You've got this.

Before I knew it, it was 6am and you were tapping on my shoulder. Your words, "Move over betch, I have to pee", were clear as day. This "conversation" got me right up and excited for our day ahead. It continued, with my second favorite moment of the trip - getting ready together- side by side sitting on the floor - applying our makeup in side by side mirrors. We made our usual faces to examine our wrinkles. I showed you how I now have to contour my nose. You showed me that you needed new foundation. We headed straight to Lord & Taylor's.

We had to stop by my office first. I took a call during this time and used multiple choice words. You kept whispering "Breathe, breathe, breathe." The entertainment in the hat department was much needed.

We then jumped in a cab down to Tribeca to visit your former co-workers. Your face lit up seeing everyone. I am not too sure who or what you remember. There was a little more clarity when we left and walked around the neighborhood. You would point out a few restaurants and even a bench. I'm not sure if you use to sit on that bench or pointed it out to sit on. NO stopping. No time to sit.

Cab selfie

Madison Sq Park
Soho Crew

Stroll along the Hudson

Naps along the Hudson....

I PROMISE, this was NOT my idea. You were very persistent to go in the liquor store. When I bought a bottle of wine- you were pissed! You were dead set on Vodka.
And after the Comedy Cellar with Sheena and Jenn,
cupcakes put us to bed!

PRIV got you ready for a night out!

I tried tricking you at the Comedy Cellar with Jenn and Sheena. When we ordered a bottle of red wine- and I swiftly poured water into your wine glass (when you weren't looking, of course) - you gave me the dirtiest look. Trust me- if it were up to me I would be throwing Patron shots your way.

Regardless, you thanked me that night on our walk home. You're the best. I have found very few friends who truly operate the way we do. It's just that easy-go-lucky not-a-care-in-the-world type of friendship. 

You were out quick once we got home. I on the other hand couldn't sleep. Your mom sent me with a door alarm in case you would try to "escape". It was the fastest shower of my life that morning and it kept me up at night thinking about your Houdini ways. I know when we first started this blog it was to simply capture our young twenties and our adventure to New York. After spending the day with you; the blog is how you will remember your young twenties like no time has ever passed...

Stay tuned for the rest of the trip recap. I love you.


Sunday, October 5, 2014

Just another day


I miss you. It's been awhile since I put it into words. Quite honestly, I forgot it was your birthday this morning when I woke up. I was hungover and my first thought was water and Advil, then it was you. I saw a friend of yours post a photo that reminded me it was your birthday. I immediately freaked and called you, for you to not answer. You didn't start your birthday off good either. It sucks and I hate it.

I went about my day and you ended up picking up the phone when I called the second time. Your mom texted me that you were feeling a little better and you had your phone in your lap. (Strange, would make more sense if I was telling your mom that you were too hungover to talk and that you would call her later). We talked a little. I didn't get to tell you the details of my night and the results this morning. (Neither did you.) Quite entertaining and was the highlight of my day, in a good way. After doing those terrible adult things like cleaning and grocery shopping. I sat down (alone, thank gahd) and watched Fault in our Stars. It's been awhile since I've had a good cry session and now it's just a shitty Sunday. I'm just going to say 27/28 suck. This years' birthday sucks and I'm over it. I'm already looking forward to our 28/29 birthdays. It seems so foreign to not roll over and shout at you how "we need Botox!!!". The past couple years I've been the first to tell you happy birthday. More importantly, strategically plan out your/our party weeks in advance. I just laughed thinking of our 25/26 birthday. My debit card would have denied if I would have had to pick up the $500 check (thanks to the men I didn't suffer this embarrassment) and mine when you couldn't afford the candles for my cake. Remember when I tried calling off sick to work? And then had to go to work.  We still managed to be fabulous and somehow pulled it off. I love these photos.

I've thought about a lot of stuff today. Things keep circling in my mind. I just hate not knowing but am very grateful to know there is a future and you are fighting through everyday. It's amazing. I can't wait for you to be here in a few weeks. I have so much to tell you and CANNOT freaking wait to just roam the streets of Manhattan aimlessly. Laughing, really just laughing. I was thinking I would set up a bunch of appointments with some brokers. See what happens. Either we will have a double date secured or a future home to look forward to. I have a date on Wednesday. It's Fall, need to start preparing for a winter boyfriend....

Sorry, I have to say it. Fuck this birthday. Love you, mean it.


Friday, August 29, 2014

And we're off…again!


I am sure there is some advanced psychology for the comparison of a place with a specific (haunting) memory. With that memory never fading as much as you want to push it away.  So here I am living in LA and as much as I want to create new memories and surround myself with surfing smokeshows there  still is this haunting memory of LA. Triggers like "Fuller and Hollywood", "Cedars" and my daily walk down La Cienega to the hospital.

The life journey is one that I'd never seek help from a "professional" to explain. Life is life and I believe in it all working out in the end. So here I am in LA. Creating new memories to erase the old. I like to believe the life journey led me back here to do just that. So I started by getting lost looking for office space on S La Cienega. It was particularly hot yesterday and I was trying to look my best for the smokeshow of a broker I was meeting. Rose leather tank and ripped jeans with pumps.  Story ends when he picked my lost soul up on the corner, dripping in sweat only to get in his convertible, black leather seat Audi. Back sweat is chic, right? So "La Cienega walk to hospital" has now been defeated by "sweating profusely while with a smokeshow on La Cienega".

After one week in LA, it is growing on me. I have a feeling something really good is coming out of the next six weeks. With you in Florida- things are about to turn out. Maybe we just need a little sunshine in our lives? I called you during therapy this week and you had no trouble telling me you needed a "really strong cocktail". (The sun has your mind back in check.) Your therapist seemed to agree from what I overheard in the background. You have yet to kiss and tell on the therapist there. You have to up your game, Luc. New zip code, new boyfriend. Aways. I plan to have mine locked down by week two.

So here's to another adventure. Even though our plans may not be the same plans together- we still manage to make dreams a reality, miles apart.  You're doing the chic Florida beach thing (today is your day) and I am doing the Cali here's "Confident Courtney" thing. Always just as free as a feather.  I know that our two separate roads will bring us back to the same fork again. I feel it coming…Maybe this was all the plan, bringing a little Lucy to every city.

May the stopping, never start!


Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Time to make a right on DYNAMITE!


I feel like every post starts with, "So a lot has happened…". And it's true. You are just really pulling your shit together these days. Let's first start with my quick weekend at home. I picked you up straight from the airport. You were ready to go as soon as I walked in. The expression on your face when we see each other is simply, awesome! It's like no time has passed. Your mom has been texting me updates about your speech and responses- she wasn't lying with all the improvement

We had a great day, one of our best since the accident.  We drove to 2 restaurants, Applebee's and El Tor (so many great choices in Granite City) to then head out for Denny's (just keeping it chic).   You knew exactly what you wanted. Told the waitress with no issues. This may seem small but the last time I was home you weren't able to clearly communicate this with the waiter. I value these moments as huge progress. The waitress in you- also picked up that the service was slow. This was shown by you rolling your eyes and even expressing "ugh hurry up" with hand motion. We read over the placemat- the word was "show" and you quickly read and pronounced. I then covered the "s" and the "w" for your prompt reply "ho" followed by laughter, followed by bathroom break. All smiles from Deb and I.

My favorite was our pool time at my parents. Getting dressed in our swimsuits was entertaining, aging sucks. Getting on the raft was equally as entertaining. Imagine me holding the raft, you cussing me out and then practically drowning in the water. I saved you and then you mastered the process by yourself, with no help. We of course did a water workout. Right leg up "Courtney!", Left leg up "Lauren" and both legs up "The Lucys". Deb and Gramps were a little concerned…

(You lasted for over an hour and I might have forgot to put enough sunscreen on you. 
You can thank me for your tan now. Beauty is pain).

The pool was followed with the normal nap, snack and sip of a beer at Four Hands Brewery with Deb. When I brought you home you had to be a snitch and show everyone your sunburn. Thanks.

Saturday, Jenn got married. Sheen and I drank vodka.

Sunday,  I flew out to LA. My company is launching there soon so multiple visits are in my future. I still hate LA. Passing through the intersection of Fuller and Hollywood still brings knots up in my throat. I felt like getting out of the car and kicking the curb but then I reminded myself of the accomplishments you have made. Swallowed the knots and moved on. I think we have mastered rolling with the punches at this point. Unfortunately, I actually went to work to WORK and I did't get to have drinks with Nurse John. But soon. The beach was needed. The boat was fun (wait for the stories, Annie was my PIC). 

So that brings me to the present. Preparing for the 4th of July without you really sucks. Two years and three days ago, we were chugging sugary martinis and eating fries...while decked out in 4th of July Walmart gear. One year ago today, I didn't have teeth and you were in a wheelchair. Today we may be planning the 4th separately but glad I can call you now to discuss our outfits, Facetime while sipping a martini and pretty sure we can organize a dance party via Skype. 

Keep kicking ass, it's about time to "make a RIGHT on DYNAMITE". 

Love you, forevs and always.