Sunday, October 5, 2014

Just another day


I miss you. It's been awhile since I put it into words. Quite honestly, I forgot it was your birthday this morning when I woke up. I was hungover and my first thought was water and Advil, then it was you. I saw a friend of yours post a photo that reminded me it was your birthday. I immediately freaked and called you, for you to not answer. You didn't start your birthday off good either. It sucks and I hate it.

I went about my day and you ended up picking up the phone when I called the second time. Your mom texted me that you were feeling a little better and you had your phone in your lap. (Strange, would make more sense if I was telling your mom that you were too hungover to talk and that you would call her later). We talked a little. I didn't get to tell you the details of my night and the results this morning. (Neither did you.) Quite entertaining and was the highlight of my day, in a good way. After doing those terrible adult things like cleaning and grocery shopping. I sat down (alone, thank gahd) and watched Fault in our Stars. It's been awhile since I've had a good cry session and now it's just a shitty Sunday. I'm just going to say 27/28 suck. This years' birthday sucks and I'm over it. I'm already looking forward to our 28/29 birthdays. It seems so foreign to not roll over and shout at you how "we need Botox!!!". The past couple years I've been the first to tell you happy birthday. More importantly, strategically plan out your/our party weeks in advance. I just laughed thinking of our 25/26 birthday. My debit card would have denied if I would have had to pick up the $500 check (thanks to the men I didn't suffer this embarrassment) and mine when you couldn't afford the candles for my cake. Remember when I tried calling off sick to work? And then had to go to work.  We still managed to be fabulous and somehow pulled it off. I love these photos.

I've thought about a lot of stuff today. Things keep circling in my mind. I just hate not knowing but am very grateful to know there is a future and you are fighting through everyday. It's amazing. I can't wait for you to be here in a few weeks. I have so much to tell you and CANNOT freaking wait to just roam the streets of Manhattan aimlessly. Laughing, really just laughing. I was thinking I would set up a bunch of appointments with some brokers. See what happens. Either we will have a double date secured or a future home to look forward to. I have a date on Wednesday. It's Fall, need to start preparing for a winter boyfriend....

Sorry, I have to say it. Fuck this birthday. Love you, mean it.


Friday, August 29, 2014

And we're off…again!


I am sure there is some advanced psychology for the comparison of a place with a specific (haunting) memory. With that memory never fading as much as you want to push it away.  So here I am living in LA and as much as I want to create new memories and surround myself with surfing smokeshows there  still is this haunting memory of LA. Triggers like "Fuller and Hollywood", "Cedars" and my daily walk down La Cienega to the hospital.

The life journey is one that I'd never seek help from a "professional" to explain. Life is life and I believe in it all working out in the end. So here I am in LA. Creating new memories to erase the old. I like to believe the life journey led me back here to do just that. So I started by getting lost looking for office space on S La Cienega. It was particularly hot yesterday and I was trying to look my best for the smokeshow of a broker I was meeting. Rose leather tank and ripped jeans with pumps.  Story ends when he picked my lost soul up on the corner, dripping in sweat only to get in his convertible, black leather seat Audi. Back sweat is chic, right? So "La Cienega walk to hospital" has now been defeated by "sweating profusely while with a smokeshow on La Cienega".

After one week in LA, it is growing on me. I have a feeling something really good is coming out of the next six weeks. With you in Florida- things are about to turn out. Maybe we just need a little sunshine in our lives? I called you during therapy this week and you had no trouble telling me you needed a "really strong cocktail". (The sun has your mind back in check.) Your therapist seemed to agree from what I overheard in the background. You have yet to kiss and tell on the therapist there. You have to up your game, Luc. New zip code, new boyfriend. Aways. I plan to have mine locked down by week two.

So here's to another adventure. Even though our plans may not be the same plans together- we still manage to make dreams a reality, miles apart.  You're doing the chic Florida beach thing (today is your day) and I am doing the Cali here's "Confident Courtney" thing. Always just as free as a feather.  I know that our two separate roads will bring us back to the same fork again. I feel it coming…Maybe this was all the plan, bringing a little Lucy to every city.

May the stopping, never start!


Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Time to make a right on DYNAMITE!


I feel like every post starts with, "So a lot has happened…". And it's true. You are just really pulling your shit together these days. Let's first start with my quick weekend at home. I picked you up straight from the airport. You were ready to go as soon as I walked in. The expression on your face when we see each other is simply, awesome! It's like no time has passed. Your mom has been texting me updates about your speech and responses- she wasn't lying with all the improvement

We had a great day, one of our best since the accident.  We drove to 2 restaurants, Applebee's and El Tor (so many great choices in Granite City) to then head out for Denny's (just keeping it chic).   You knew exactly what you wanted. Told the waitress with no issues. This may seem small but the last time I was home you weren't able to clearly communicate this with the waiter. I value these moments as huge progress. The waitress in you- also picked up that the service was slow. This was shown by you rolling your eyes and even expressing "ugh hurry up" with hand motion. We read over the placemat- the word was "show" and you quickly read and pronounced. I then covered the "s" and the "w" for your prompt reply "ho" followed by laughter, followed by bathroom break. All smiles from Deb and I.

My favorite was our pool time at my parents. Getting dressed in our swimsuits was entertaining, aging sucks. Getting on the raft was equally as entertaining. Imagine me holding the raft, you cussing me out and then practically drowning in the water. I saved you and then you mastered the process by yourself, with no help. We of course did a water workout. Right leg up "Courtney!", Left leg up "Lauren" and both legs up "The Lucys". Deb and Gramps were a little concerned…

(You lasted for over an hour and I might have forgot to put enough sunscreen on you. 
You can thank me for your tan now. Beauty is pain).

The pool was followed with the normal nap, snack and sip of a beer at Four Hands Brewery with Deb. When I brought you home you had to be a snitch and show everyone your sunburn. Thanks.

Saturday, Jenn got married. Sheen and I drank vodka.

Sunday,  I flew out to LA. My company is launching there soon so multiple visits are in my future. I still hate LA. Passing through the intersection of Fuller and Hollywood still brings knots up in my throat. I felt like getting out of the car and kicking the curb but then I reminded myself of the accomplishments you have made. Swallowed the knots and moved on. I think we have mastered rolling with the punches at this point. Unfortunately, I actually went to work to WORK and I did't get to have drinks with Nurse John. But soon. The beach was needed. The boat was fun (wait for the stories, Annie was my PIC). 

So that brings me to the present. Preparing for the 4th of July without you really sucks. Two years and three days ago, we were chugging sugary martinis and eating fries...while decked out in 4th of July Walmart gear. One year ago today, I didn't have teeth and you were in a wheelchair. Today we may be planning the 4th separately but glad I can call you now to discuss our outfits, Facetime while sipping a martini and pretty sure we can organize a dance party via Skype. 

Keep kicking ass, it's about time to "make a RIGHT on DYNAMITE". 

Love you, forevs and always. 

Thursday, June 5, 2014



So much has happened over the past couple months- it's crazy. For starters you are running a 5k this weekend? Like what? Crazy shit. It's absolutely amazing how far you have come since that hell hole of an ICU room. I think we all are coming back to the real world of sanity directly related to the fact of you kicking major ass. Also, I think we are both less medicated now ;)

Oddly enough I don't even worry about you. I'm 100% confident you will be back to the bold girl I met on the sidewalk outside of Anheuser-Busch Hall. (Doesn't this sound like an opening to a love story?) It is. We were pretty much obsessed with each other from the beginning, duh. I know we will be back to our old tricks this year. Our best to date is matching tattoos and noodle bongs (Google it). Anyways, I don't worry about you but I do miss you often. It's crazy when I catch myself sifting through my photos to upload a new FB profile pic or Instagramming a new throwback. I love calling you and hearing you laugh when I cuss or ask you about your dating schedule. I called you this week and said I would be home soon. You instantly replied, "Let's Party!" You are going to need a long nap because we are staying out until midnight, Grandma.

So work is awesome. My boss' make fun of me and ask if I ever sleep. No duh, I'm a crackhead. My dating life is super funny, per usual. I have a boyfriend in Nashville now. It's perfect because I met him and now never see him.

I am heading to LA for work- we are launching there this summer. Which means, mandatory drinks with Nurse John.

Maybe I'll even catch up with all my doctor friends at the Starbucks. Make my rounds.

I renewed my lease with my roommate, Ryan. GET YOUR ASS BACK ASAP. We can kick him out.

P.s. I have our entire weekend planned when you come here. Mama Murph says September…



Tuesday, April 22, 2014

It's just the beginning.


It's been a year and three days since your accident. I must first thank all our supporters for always being there when we need them. Always praying and surprising us in new ways. (I received a Sephora package from a Lucy supporter in Seattle last week. The fact that she knew NARS Roman Holiday would perk up my day-- is just amazing!) I thank you for changing the way I live my life. You are loved, my friend. Very loved.

Looking back through photos and mental images makes Cedars feel like yesterday. I have flashbacks of waking up with my face stuck to that faux leather teal chair. And then seeing you still breathing, still fighting. The highlight of my day would be high-five'ing Nurse John, getting the text from your mom on how they spelled her name on her Starbucks cup and watching you kick your leg after a hard pinch.  I throughly enjoyed painting your toes as well. The emotions we all experience/d seem so unfair. Now, I watch your emotions and feel the same way. I hate watching you be upset or overwhelmed. But at the same time I am thankful that you fight through the uncertainty. Often with a smile and always with bright lipstick.

Incase you are wondering, we definitely are still best friends. Quite selfishly my favorite recent accomplishments of yours are you saying my last name, commenting on my hair cut and laughing at my jokes. Your mom was going through a list of your friends who have married and she asked if I would ever get married- your immediate response, "Noooo (with a grin)". Somethings never change. At your party you were taking a power nap in your room and I peed in your bathroom- door open- while I talked to you. Tonight when you called me you kept mentioning Canada. Not sure what you have in the works but you know I'm in! You were talking a lot tonight. You talk more on the phone than in person. You say, "I don't know" often but I remind you it's just me and to keep going. You really did tonight.

I hope you can look back and read the blog with a bigger smile than tear. Be very proud of yourself. It's time for you to start writing again. Let's forget about the past and start writing about the little things in life. Penpals for now. Roommates again, soon!

Look what you have done in one year. In fact, in your 26 years. Can't wait for 26 more. We will be 52 then- imagine the possibilities. I absolutely hate that we our missing out on our late twenties together. I had strict plans to settle down by 30. Thank Gahd for you always saving my life- can't wait to make up for it in the years to come. Maturity at 30 has been pushed back to 35.  I'm very excited.

Love you forever and ever. Never, ever give up.

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Long lost lovah


I called you tonight, in shock. A FB notification made me dial you immediately. You were crabby and not giving me the attention I needed. We both confirmed, we always will have each other. Just two, just us. You may have not had the right words tonight, but ending with "I love you", will always be enough.

I try to count my blessings as much as possible. Work has replaced much of my social life and has been a great outlet to devout all energy and not think about the past. My (temporary) teeth haven't fell out in quite some time, my nose is looking a little better and I eat less and drink more. You laugh at my jokes. You run more than me (per usual). Your hair will definitely be longer than mine come 2015. You still remember me (which means you still love me and we are still the gahd damn Lucys).

I ditched my Winter Boyfriend because it's Spring in New York (Spring cleaning). The time when women become really confused on what to wear. I walked out for coffee in all black and a coat and ran back upstairs for open toes and coral lipstick. Being that confused on my outfit you can imagine the confusion with men. Seasons change. So here's to Spring. Volleyball season will start next week. I'm still bitter that you skipped our first game to hang out with Eric before your trip to LA. I wish we would have spent that night together. I remember calling you on my walk home from the first game that April. Of course, you still picked up and listen to me give you the 411 on all potentials. The lineup is just as promising as last year. New single men on the team, I'll send you my Google research shortly.

Your mom shared a little preview video with me tonight. I still don't believe it all. I know this sounds crazy but it's like we have two lives. I look at photos of before the accident and just think you are on vacation or something. I look at photos now; and it feels like we have this new life. I guess we do. I know it's still us but it's beyond just needing Botox and being another year older. What will time tell? Because it's still just confusing the shit outa me,. I still feel no different. I still get upset. I still tear up at the slightest trigger. I'm still not completely sure how you feel, what you want and how to help. Looking back at videos tonight, I realized- you truly are a miracle. Do you realize how many doctors, statistics and books you proved wrong. I still remember the negative breakdown of potential outcomes from a nurse in LA. You kicked your foot at the peak of her negativity- I knew then. You were bound to kick some major ass.

Clearly, I booked a ticket home for next week to celebrate you. I think it's time for a little champagne my friend. I can't wait to go through every single picture and reenact every single moment of last year. Put on your Depends, Super Plus Absorbency. 

Miss you, Luc. 

Just my favorite Airport memory. 
and motorcycle ride….


Monday, March 3, 2014

This time, last year.

Hey Luc,

So I've been having these overwhelming impulsive thoughts about buying a puppy or turning a guy I date into a boyfriend. Both very foreign objects to be standing side by side with me but I've been trying to convince myself it's a step into my mature future. 

Speaking of future- the months are flying by. I feel like it's all been one very long day. I find myself booking out the months ahead and getting lost in the day at work.  Before I would sit and wait for a text and update ABOUT you and now I'm getting random phone calls FROM you! Not your mom but "Lucy" with our famous motorcycle pic in the background. It's like I'm 13 and my crush is calling me. I love it!  I am not sure what you will remember about our phone conversations but you really are making real progress. I think you can understand a lot of what I am saying. I have to remind myself to talk slow and ask simple questions. You are following along perfectly- chiming in with some usual sayings of yours. You sure have not lost that personality. You often say "I don't know" when you mess up or get confused. Lately, I reply "it's okay, try again" and you do! I must brag on that one because I feel like it's second nature to call each other up and chat. It's familiar, it's normal and we are back. On Sunday, you called me while I was at brunch. It was right after I received a notification from FB that you liked my photo. This particular photo was of John, Corey, me and the latest man in my life. Hilarious because when you called you said "we need to talk about that!" For some reason I think "that" meant the photo. (Don't worry he's not good until you and Em approve).The people joining me at brunch had to think I was totally psycho because we kept saying "I love you".  I can't wait til we can just sit for hours and plan out the future. And by plan I mean do super last minute things without ever looking back.

Anyways, this time last year you were preparing for Austin. I'm heading there next week to party it up and work the angles. My new nose is starting to look a little more me and it's about time to switch it back on. What better place to do it. Austin. Live music and my boots. I remember getting live updates from you last year. Photos with Coolio, yachts, scotch, etc. Ill do my best to send the same your way.  The best part is when you got home from Austin and you showed me all the new stuff you bought. I think you actually bought some of it before but hid it from me so I wouldn't wear it. Such a Luc move.

Kels sent me a video the other day. She was reenacting when she asked you, "who do you miss the most?". You  replied "Jerrrdennn". The fact that you said my last name is 1. Very smart 2. Very badass 3. Forking awesome. (Kels that ones for you).

 It's those things that give me confirmation that we will be back to our old tricks someday. Oh and since we aren't getting any younger, I rearranged my life plans as follows. Let me know what number you want to jump in at.

1. Live in NYC until 30 (you'll join soon)
2. Pack up move abroad and travel for a year working super random jobs and more than likely gain 15 pounds inhaling pasta with my Italian boyfriend
3. Move home with my parents (get excited guys) and lose 15 pounds 
4. Start company in Stl- it's going to be so major
5. Have someone arrange my marriage because at that point, it's time to settle 
6. Move out of one very long year at parents house
7. Mature, maybe. Chapel, breast feed and other extcrutiating grown up things

(I got sidetracked again.) But this time, last year life was really good. Taken advantage of really. Never again will I take life for granted. Never again will I hang up without saying "I love you" and never again will I turn down a trip with my friends or a weekend home with my family. That's what credit cards are for and we all know I master those. 

P.s I'll be home for a real quick weekend next weekend and then obvi coming home for your one year extranvaganza celebrating life in April.

P.s.s. Your posture is getting better (you had hunchback before the accident) and you talk sometimes like you are a news reporter. What I am trying to say here is you are going to be an amazing motivational speaker one day and I can't wait to yell profanities and cheer you on from the bleechers. 

Lookin good, Luc.

Love ya.