Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Long lost lovah


I called you tonight, in shock. A FB notification made me dial you immediately. You were crabby and not giving me the attention I needed. We both confirmed, we always will have each other. Just two, just us. You may have not had the right words tonight, but ending with "I love you", will always be enough.

I try to count my blessings as much as possible. Work has replaced much of my social life and has been a great outlet to devout all energy and not think about the past. My (temporary) teeth haven't fell out in quite some time, my nose is looking a little better and I eat less and drink more. You laugh at my jokes. You run more than me (per usual). Your hair will definitely be longer than mine come 2015. You still remember me (which means you still love me and we are still the gahd damn Lucys).

I ditched my Winter Boyfriend because it's Spring in New York (Spring cleaning). The time when women become really confused on what to wear. I walked out for coffee in all black and a coat and ran back upstairs for open toes and coral lipstick. Being that confused on my outfit you can imagine the confusion with men. Seasons change. So here's to Spring. Volleyball season will start next week. I'm still bitter that you skipped our first game to hang out with Eric before your trip to LA. I wish we would have spent that night together. I remember calling you on my walk home from the first game that April. Of course, you still picked up and listen to me give you the 411 on all potentials. The lineup is just as promising as last year. New single men on the team, I'll send you my Google research shortly.

Your mom shared a little preview video with me tonight. I still don't believe it all. I know this sounds crazy but it's like we have two lives. I look at photos of before the accident and just think you are on vacation or something. I look at photos now; and it feels like we have this new life. I guess we do. I know it's still us but it's beyond just needing Botox and being another year older. What will time tell? Because it's still just confusing the shit outa me,. I still feel no different. I still get upset. I still tear up at the slightest trigger. I'm still not completely sure how you feel, what you want and how to help. Looking back at videos tonight, I realized- you truly are a miracle. Do you realize how many doctors, statistics and books you proved wrong. I still remember the negative breakdown of potential outcomes from a nurse in LA. You kicked your foot at the peak of her negativity- I knew then. You were bound to kick some major ass.

Clearly, I booked a ticket home for next week to celebrate you. I think it's time for a little champagne my friend. I can't wait to go through every single picture and reenact every single moment of last year. Put on your Depends, Super Plus Absorbency. 

Miss you, Luc. 

Just my favorite Airport memory. 
and motorcycle ride….


Monday, March 3, 2014

This time, last year.

Hey Luc,

So I've been having these overwhelming impulsive thoughts about buying a puppy or turning a guy I date into a boyfriend. Both very foreign objects to be standing side by side with me but I've been trying to convince myself it's a step into my mature future. 

Speaking of future- the months are flying by. I feel like it's all been one very long day. I find myself booking out the months ahead and getting lost in the day at work.  Before I would sit and wait for a text and update ABOUT you and now I'm getting random phone calls FROM you! Not your mom but "Lucy" with our famous motorcycle pic in the background. It's like I'm 13 and my crush is calling me. I love it!  I am not sure what you will remember about our phone conversations but you really are making real progress. I think you can understand a lot of what I am saying. I have to remind myself to talk slow and ask simple questions. You are following along perfectly- chiming in with some usual sayings of yours. You sure have not lost that personality. You often say "I don't know" when you mess up or get confused. Lately, I reply "it's okay, try again" and you do! I must brag on that one because I feel like it's second nature to call each other up and chat. It's familiar, it's normal and we are back. On Sunday, you called me while I was at brunch. It was right after I received a notification from FB that you liked my photo. This particular photo was of John, Corey, me and the latest man in my life. Hilarious because when you called you said "we need to talk about that!" For some reason I think "that" meant the photo. (Don't worry he's not good until you and Em approve).The people joining me at brunch had to think I was totally psycho because we kept saying "I love you".  I can't wait til we can just sit for hours and plan out the future. And by plan I mean do super last minute things without ever looking back.

Anyways, this time last year you were preparing for Austin. I'm heading there next week to party it up and work the angles. My new nose is starting to look a little more me and it's about time to switch it back on. What better place to do it. Austin. Live music and my boots. I remember getting live updates from you last year. Photos with Coolio, yachts, scotch, etc. Ill do my best to send the same your way.  The best part is when you got home from Austin and you showed me all the new stuff you bought. I think you actually bought some of it before but hid it from me so I wouldn't wear it. Such a Luc move.

Kels sent me a video the other day. She was reenacting when she asked you, "who do you miss the most?". You  replied "Jerrrdennn". The fact that you said my last name is 1. Very smart 2. Very badass 3. Forking awesome. (Kels that ones for you).

 It's those things that give me confirmation that we will be back to our old tricks someday. Oh and since we aren't getting any younger, I rearranged my life plans as follows. Let me know what number you want to jump in at.

1. Live in NYC until 30 (you'll join soon)
2. Pack up move abroad and travel for a year working super random jobs and more than likely gain 15 pounds inhaling pasta with my Italian boyfriend
3. Move home with my parents (get excited guys) and lose 15 pounds 
4. Start company in Stl- it's going to be so major
5. Have someone arrange my marriage because at that point, it's time to settle 
6. Move out of one very long year at parents house
7. Mature, maybe. Chapel, breast feed and other extcrutiating grown up things

(I got sidetracked again.) But this time, last year life was really good. Taken advantage of really. Never again will I take life for granted. Never again will I hang up without saying "I love you" and never again will I turn down a trip with my friends or a weekend home with my family. That's what credit cards are for and we all know I master those. 

P.s I'll be home for a real quick weekend next weekend and then obvi coming home for your one year extranvaganza celebrating life in April.

P.s.s. Your posture is getting better (you had hunchback before the accident) and you talk sometimes like you are a news reporter. What I am trying to say here is you are going to be an amazing motivational speaker one day and I can't wait to yell profanities and cheer you on from the bleechers. 

Lookin good, Luc.

Love ya.

Thursday, February 13, 2014


We have those times in our life we never forget. The times that illuminate our character, unveil our weaknesses and change our life. Those times are as follow for me. 

Wednesday, December 28, 2011
The date we set out to accomplish all of those things we have always dreamed of. I'll never forget when you fell up the subway stairs with the 5 bags from Bed, Bath and Beyond. We were running on highs like we were true New Yorkers and then laughed hysterically while holding up traffic on the stairs. I'll never forget blowing up our air mattress several times throughout the night only to wake up with our backs touching the floor. Remember when we postponed paying rent and attended a fabulous fashion show, dressed in wardrobes that didn't pay our rent? Now that's character.

Sunday, May 6, 2012
Lack of control due to margaritas and kindred spirits. We got matching tattoos. Total moment of weakness. I'd like to believe it's freedom.

Friday, April 19, 2013
Your accident. The worst day ever. Filled with uncertainty, anxiety, fear and numbness. I remember waiting on that airplane that never took off that night. I was alone and hated that you were too. You invited me to join you that trip and I didn't go. I hated myself that I wasn't there with you. How does this happen to someone like you? This was a total life changer.

So those are the days that make me laugh, cry and regret. Really, I don't remember the exact date I graduated with my BA or my MBA. I don't remember the date I flunked a test, won a big game or got my heart broken. Shit I don't even remember my first kiss, come to think of it. No really though, who was it? ....Of course I remember all the girls trips, family events and good times- but the dates above- I feel like have molded me. Molded me into this new stronger person. Molded you into this freaking miracle! It's crazy to think it's almost been a year. I feel like it's been a month. Or a long, bad dream. Tonight we FaceTimed. It's a miracle to see you laugh at my jokes, shake your head when I cuss and watch you power through with your head held high (pink lipstick and all). Do you know how incredible you are? Here I thought I was calling to cheer you up. I thought you needed me.  We just really need each other. I fear sometimes being away will make our friendship grow weak- or maybe you won't even remember me.  Then, after tonight, that thought is completely insane. I asked you about the lastest boys- you quickly named "David Beckham". (And TMI you continued to talk to me while you peed.) Now some people would think this is super weird but we are totally used to peeing with the door open. It's called multi-tasking, duh! This is definitely a sign you remember me, know who I am and proof of the friendship we have. No boundaries. 

I can only imagine what the future holds for us, Luc. There's no way it could ever get worst so imagine all the new tattoo opportunities we have. All the carefree trips we get. All the new cities,  boyfriends, shoes and memories we have left. All the Valentines to come. Do you know how many new hair colors I get to try out!!! (Luc helped me dye my hair dark brown last year after we polished off chocolate and wine). Just thinking about it makes me laugh. What am I going to do tomorrow without you. Should I go dark again?

Miss you. Love you. Proud of you. 

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

How long?

Hey Luc,

There is nothing better in my day than your morning videos wishing me "a good day at work!" or a simple "Good Morning!". When I receive these videos- I know it's going to be a "good" day! My routine life is becoming more normal. Normal but not complete. I am blessed with my job and the fact that my company launches this month. It has consumed my every minute (thought)- working 10/12 hour days have never been more rewarding. I truly love it. I am so busy that sometimes- just like a slap of the face- I am reminded about you. In the best way but in a way that becomes confusing. It's not that I don't think of you constantly or miss you beyond words- It's just I am able to concentrate. This is something new. At the same time I get this weird, guilty feeling. It's like I forgot about everything and just assumed after work I would come home to you with a bottle of wine. I will never lose hope or sight of that. We will have endless wine nights one day.

Also, I started dating again. Lots of hilarious stories already. I finally went to a Rangers game at MSG. I wonder how Tommy is doing? The social calendar is back to about normal. The inner circle is good about knowing when to ask questions and when to let me provide updates. They always are reading up and rooting on your progress. As far as new people, it can be difficult explaining. I still really haven't formulated my "Everything is okay sales pitch" with the new people. I don't like to revisit the beginning of your accident- and why should anyone- look how far you have come!!!! That's history!

I caught up with Eric recently. He is doing great and we had a lot to catch up on. It's been months. He is now 31, by the way. I knew this because I told him I owed him a shot, yet I totally forgot you guys met a year ago. SERIOUSLY. That is when it all hit me. We are approaching the month of April very soon. I will always hate April. Both April and the number 19. You know how superstitious I am. I miss that Luc that was soooo incredibly happy during those months before the accident. I look forward to seeing you smile in that same way.

So that leads me to this question. I have been thinking about how long a lot lately. How long until "normal" again?  Can the doctors just put an exact date on it so I can start planning the party? Don't they know how incredibly impateint The Lucys are? How long… is always on my mind.

Love you, super proud of you.

Monday, January 13, 2014

Long Overdue.

Long overdue. Being home for Christmas was just what I needed to prepare for the New Year. You were quite the pepperpot. We were able to spend some quality time together- Just TWO, Just The Lucys. On Thursday, December 26th, I picked you up for a hott date at Fazoli's. Fancy, I know. In the car we were catching up. I asked you how your mom was. Your reply, "She is the best". I asked about Dave (Erin's boyfriend). You replied, "Good, genuine". I knew you approved of him after his trip to New York. Erin approved of him after his support with you at therapy. (She can tell you that story one day.)

Anyways, We shared a romantic plate of pasta and endless breadsticks. You were filling up your cup with Diet Lemonade and I heard you laughing. The machine was stuck and spilling out endless lemonade. I came to the rescue only to make the problem worse. You said, "Mistake Number One" (super sarcastically). I cut up the pasta for us and separated it on two plates so it was a little less Lady and the Tramp. You dropped a noodle and said "MISTAKE Number Two". We both started laughing. We always have the best sense of humor. I told you I really needed to stop eating carbs (after my sixth breadstick). You laughed and took a bite of your salad (per usual). 

"Are we still Lucys and Best Friends"-Me
"Definitely"- You

Some responses were followed by tears. The families around us had to think we were crazy because then I started crying at the table and you followed with- "Lets go!" I think I have only cried around you once- you had to be terrified.

The remainder of the night was spent getting beautified. I picked us up face masks on the way home from dinner. I told the check out lady I needed something to wax my lip- You replied, "Help us!"  It was a fun night. Kelsey got home late and came in and gave me a hug and kiss while I was sleeping. It woke me up when she stumbled over the clothes and hit her leg on the bed. Thank God for Kelsey.

We went for coffee in the morning after we shaved our legs. That's a fabulous story to expand on one day with you. Coffee turned into you not wanting to get out of my car. I walked you inside to drop off the coffee (and you!). You refused to let me leave alone. Coffee turned into shopping at Target and Kohl's, with several trips around the block. I thought you may forget about your obsession with me if I circled the block. No way- we will always be obsessed with each other.

Our Holiday party was a success, too! We probably had about 30 people over at Deb's. Everyone was really excited to see you. I could tell you would get overwhelmed at times so we took a few trips to the powder room. You would hug me and say "Thank you" during those moments. It was my highlight of the night.

New Year's Eve was hard. I couldn't even watch the TV featuring the same Nivea logo hats as last year. It was different without you. I masked the night with endless dirty martinis. Big mistake. It's a new year (Thank God). 2014 is our year! 

The night before I left we went out to dinner with Shae and Sarah. It was a lot of fun and you seemed more relaxed with just a couple of us. It was hard to hug you goodbye. I won't see you until March. It will be the longest we have gone so far. We will be having LOTS of FaceTime calls.


Wednesday, January 1, 2014

The Best of 2013

Well Luc- it's been a year, hasn't it? We accomplished so much together. We upgraded our Manhattan apartment, landed some pretty awesome jobs and you survived this crazy hiccup in life.

I spent some time reading back through the blog this evening. I remember when we did this last year and laughed until we cried. We have done some really dumb, fun and crazy things. Did we really get matching tattoos?!?

This year looking back through the posts, I had a mixture of feelings. It's hard to look back at photos of us when things were "normal". I still feel like this is one big dream. I wish to wake up and this not be the reality. Back in April and May I just knew you would wake up. My happiness back then revolved around if you would squeeze my hand, open your eyes or kick when they pinched you.  I thought when you would wake up things would get back to normal much faster. I also didn't really see you struggle during those months. Now, I see you struggle and it hurts more. Your struggle has become a fight and you are winning my friend. You amaze me every time I see you. I hope one day you can look back on my posts and really be proud of yourself. I am incredibly proud of you and your never ending determination in life.

2013 Highlights:

1. You survived.

2. You showed up the nurse. It brought the biggest smile on my face. I felt like you conquered the world that day.

3. You slapped the shit outa me! (One of my favorite moments!!!!)

4. You started opening your eyes a lot more. It was the biggest highlight of my summer.

5. They really had to think we were psychos at Cedars.

6. Your dad wore High HEELS!

7. You were such a diva- you had silk pillow cases in the hospital.

8. Taylor Swift visited you in the hospital. That's majorly chic.

9. I asked you last week if we were still best friends and Lucys. You replied, "Definitely".

10. You tell me, "I love you" a lot more these days. It's the best thing to hear. I love ya, too.

“When your back is to the wall and you are facing fear head on, the only way is forward and through it.” 

2014 is OUR year, damnit!


Tuesday, December 24, 2013

2 year Anniversary.

I remember two years ago when we couldn’t sleep at night and would call each other with excitement about our soon-to-be new journey. I remember yelling at you on the phone to pack your bags. I remember being obsessed with our families and moving back home for the month before our move to New York. I also remember promising each other that we wouldn’t exchange Christmas gifts that December 2011. We wanted to save all our money for a fabulous Manhattan apartment. I bought us a video camera instead so we could capture our journey into the airport and out to conquer our dreams.

Finding our first apartment is one of my favorite “holiday” memories. We were such a hot mess. I don’t think I have ever laughed, bullshitted and cried so much in two days. For those of you who don’t know the story (read up) and (read up) and (read up) ! Since we only had our blowup and half a dozen suitcases it didn’t make getting ready that New Years Eve very easy. We had to share the reflection of the laptop screen to apply our makeup. Then we took several selfies of us perfectly posed by the window with the New York skyline behind us. That’s what we thought at the time. We lived in Murray Hill; let’s be honest it was a billboard and the Midtown Tunnel as the “sparkling city lights” backdrop. We were fabulous!

I’ve said it before and it’s really so true. We created this new family together. We repeatedly told each other; “I couldn’t have done it without you. I couldn’t have moved here without you.” We created new holiday memories. Boozy Easter brunch, Boozy Thanksgiving dinner and well - you get the picture.

Lucys at Easter

 I remember leaving you behind in the city Christmas 2012. Luc had to work on Christmas Eve and the day after. Which meant Luc would be spending Christmas in the bathtub with a bottle of red and a Family FaceTime would follow. When I returned, Luc and I celebrated our one-year anniversary in the city. December 28th will forever be one of the most memorial dates in my life. We celebrated in true Lucy form. Champagne, major lipstick and fabulous new outfits. Since we just moved into our new place in the Financial District; we even shared the ‘ol blowup that night. We woke up and rolled over to see the Freedom tower from our new luxurious Fidi apartment window. We had upgraded to a high rise with a doorman and closets with shoe shelves. We were thankful for being so carefree, no worry in the world. If I could have known 4 months later you would be in an accident; I would have paused that moment forever. 

This December 28th will be different. I’ll be in St. Louis celebrating with you, my family and friends. This is definitely not what I thought our two-year anniversary would be but that’s life. I know there will be this profound reunion/anniversary in the future. That’s what I hold on to. God only knows what we will be up to then. This December 28th, we will be celebrating life. We did it, we still got it. You’re alive.

I am still trying to balance it all- going in and out of quiet phases. Your sisters have been helping me through. I’ve been keeping Erin up-to-speed with my dating life and we send outfit approval confirmations via text. Sam always calls me at the right moment. Grandma sends me those cheerful emails that always put a smile on my face. Your mom and I continue sharing stories- totally inappropriate to be sharing with your mom. You two are so much alike I feel like I am texting you sometimes. Papa Murph is always dropping the quirky one-liners to make me smile. Kels always interrupts The Lucy FaceTime call to catch me up on her life. Shannon makes me proud through her college success- it looks like she is doing everything we taught her. Princess is still your little prodigy. And Ryan. Ryan you need to call me. He must have picked up some young broad in his wrestling singlet.

I have been researching Aphasia and finding more confusing information. My friend Annie sent me this video that really helped me. I have been researching lots of Aphasia clinics for you to eventually attend. There is one in New York. I think you need to fly out this Spring and check it out. Oh and I am getting a new nose January 21st. Let’s pray it looks just like my old nose and works like it, too! You would not enjoy sharing a room with me anymore. I wake myself up with my snore. I’ll be all set in the Spring when you come. So come, okay?

Merry Christmas Luc, I love ya.

2014 is our year and  I CAN"T WAIT.